Who You Are

"Live like you know who you are." That's what Dale Brooks said in his sermon this past weekend. I wrote a poem a few years ago, stating who I am. I know I don't always act like I know who I am. But, the more I say it, the more I believe it and the more I act like I know who I am. The thing is, when Dale Brooks made that statement and asked the question, "Who are you," I was aware that my husband knew.

Brad & I have been on a long journey. You see, since the beginning of our relationship and especially since we've been married, I wanted Brad to act a certain way. I wanted him to be the head of the household; I wanted him to take charge or at least help with the finances. I wanted him to lead and do all the things the Bible said he should do. The biggest problem, I later discovered, was that I was doing them. Now, I already knew that I liked to be in charge and I liked to be in control. The problem was that I wasn't filling my role, and instead, I had taken over Brad's. There was no room for him to be the man he was supposed to be, because I was running the show.

The first small group that I ever lead was Power of a Praying Wife, by Stormie O'Martian. A friend of mine is leading it now and I pray that she continues to change lives through it. I know that I changed at least one woman's life: mine. It wasn't right away, but it gave me some tools that I put away. In fact, as Brad and I went along, we both picked up some more tools that helped to shape our marriage to more resemble the design that God had for us.

In April, 2009, God added another tool. Brad was in the emergency room with what later turned out to be bronchial pneumonia. I sat next to him while they gave him breathing treatments to see what would help. While we waited, I was reading In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day, by Mark Batterson. It just so happened that I was at a point in the book that suggested it was time to face and embrace my biggest fear (see Chapter 3). Let me tell you, that was not what I wanted to hear.

A day later, on April 22, 2009, when I was at home by myself and Brad was in the hospital, I called one of my friends and cried as I told her what I read. I knew exactly what my biggest fear was and there was no way that I wanted to embrace it, even in a small dose, as the book suggested, (p 50). My biggest fear was that everything we had fought for would be taken away from us and our relationship would go back to the way it was in the beginning. My wise and wonderful friend said that maybe God was using this sickness in order that Brad may be tested to see who he believed his Provider to be. And maybe He was using the length of the illness and the time away from work to show me that Brad was becoming the spiritual leader that I had been wanting him to become--the spiritual leader that God designed him to be.

That brings me to about a week ago. In the evening after work, we were taking a walk through our neighborhood. I'll spare you the details of why Brad was mad at me (though I'll admit it was something I said). And the point isn't that he got mad, but it's what he said when he got mad. He said that he was the priest of our family, the spiritual leader of our household, and I needed to listen when he talked because his thoughts were valid. I was totally blown away. I had never heard him talk like that before. I was sorry that he was mad at me, but I was thrilled that he knew who he was.

This past weekend, Dale Brooks said, "you must know who you are...You are salt and light...filled with all spiritual blessings...[and] God is on the inside." He asked an important question: Who are you?